Chapter 1: The Overlooked Role of Gratitude

What if gratitude was the crucial factor missing from your long-term relationship?

In today's world, there’s an overwhelming amount of sex advice available — much of which is quite poor. This is largely due to the profit-driven motives of many content creators, leading to a flood of superficial articles aimed solely at generating clicks.

Many headlines lack genuine substance, and I often find myself philosophically at odds with popular sex advice. Too frequently, it resembles moralistic lectures disguised as guidance or is purely mechanical, offering lists of positions without any deeper insight.

For example, if you browse through Cosmopolitan or similar health magazines, you’ll encounter countless articles filled with rapid-fire tips focusing only on the physical aspects of sex, like angles and techniques.

Sex Beyond the Physical

However, I argue that sex is fundamentally more mental than physical. Don’t take my word for it—ask couples who have fallen in love from afar or those who experience a powerful attraction in a workplace setting, only to keep their feelings hidden.

The process of attraction begins long before any physical contact occurs. It starts with that first glance at someone who leaves you breathless and builds through a series of dates, where physical touch eventually comes into play. Yet, many factors can derail this progression.

Attraction is primarily a mental and emotional journey, while sex is merely its physical expression. If we desire better sexual experiences, we must invest in nurturing a stronger attraction with our partners.

The Components of Attraction

Attraction diminishes with a sense of entitlement, and so does sexual intimacy. The foundations of attraction include being dependable and actively participating in the relationship's responsibilities.

With this understanding, it’s no surprise that many overlook the profound impact that expressing gratitude can have on their romantic lives. It’s a simple yet often ignored concept—right in front of us but frequently unnoticed.

Imagine a couple experiencing a dead bedroom; you might envision them barely communicating, simmering in silence. Rarely do we picture a couple that consistently acknowledges and appreciates each other’s presence, engaging in meaningful conversations about the unique qualities that enrich their lives.

I acknowledge that gratitude has become a buzzword, often oversold by self-help gurus. A friend once believed that listing his blessings each morning would magically improve his life. To no one’s surprise, nothing changed—because he failed to act beyond that list.

While many overstate the benefits of internal gratitude, the dynamics within relationships involve others who are emotional, vulnerable, and often plagued by self-doubt. It’s vital for partners to uplift one another instead of allowing each other to languish in solitude.

Chapter 2: The Impact of Gratitude on Relationship Quality

Recent research by Sara Algoe and colleagues at the University of North Carolina explored how expressing gratitude between romantic partners could predict future relationship quality.

Participants were asked to express gratitude to their partners and were followed for six months. The study design was intriguing, as some participants were prompted to share important and socially evocative statements that weren’t expressions of gratitude, such as compliments.

The findings showed that those who expressed gratitude developed stronger, higher-quality bonds with their partners compared to those who expressed other social emotions. This indicates that gratitude specifically resonates with others in our relationships.

People whose partners express gratitude are more likely to feel valued and needed. When we acknowledge our reliance on someone else, even if it’s merely for emotional or physical satisfaction, we begin to appreciate their significance in our lives and change how we treat them.

Gratitude acts as a social adhesive, serving a vital function in our relationships, a concept that Algoe refers to as “find, remind, and bind.”

When we reflect on past partners, gratitude helps us identify potential future partners. Once we find a partner worth keeping, it reminds us of their special qualities and the reasons we were initially drawn to them.

Furthermore, mutual gratitude strengthens our bonds over time, incentivizing us to nurture our relationships.

Now, consider my earlier point about attraction being the foundation of sexual intimacy. Attraction is like oxygen in a room, waiting for a spark to ignite it. It’s essential not to take attraction for granted, even if we are fortunate to find someone we like.

Attraction is cultivated through a series of behaviors and influenced by our unique traits—genetic predispositions, personal style, and even physical appearance.

Attraction vs. Comfort

It’s crucial to note that relationship quality does not automatically correlate with sexual satisfaction. Thus, enhancing relationship security does not guarantee an improved sex life.

The goal should be to enhance your attractiveness rather than simply creating a comfortable environment. Sometimes, too much security can dampen attraction. Conversely, emotional neglect can also extinguish the spark.

Sara’s research suggests that the effects of gratitude depend on individual circumstances. Some couples may feel emotionally close yet miss the intrigue and mystery that once existed. They might express gratitude regularly but still lack the necessary spark.

If this resonates with you, I recommend reading “Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence” (available on Amazon).

On the other hand, ramping up expressions of gratitude could serve as the catalyst to reignite your passion.

Thank you for reading! Be sure to subscribe to my Medium email list to stay updated, and check out my new Substack publication, "The Science of Sex."

Here are three recommended books worth exploring:

1. Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life
2. Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence
3. The Red Queen: Sex and the Evolution of Human Nature

These titles are also available as audiobooks on Audible. By using this link, you can try Audible for free and receive up to two free audiobooks.

(Note: These are affiliate links, and as an Amazon associate, I earn a commission from qualifying purchases.)

This video highlights the importance of perseverance and gratitude, offering insights on how these elements can improve your life.

Mindset Expert Jamie Fraser discusses how being selfish can ultimately lead to selflessness, emphasizing the importance of self-care in relationships.