Improving Your Relationship by Reducing Text Communication
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Chapter 1: The Impact of Texting on Relationships
A few years back, my now-husband and I participated in a couples workshop called "Rules of Engagement." This experience transformed our perspective on texting and significantly improved our communication.
The workshop was attended by at least twenty couples from various backgrounds, including different ages, ethnicities, religions, and orientations. Some were engaged, while others, like us, were contemplating marriage. There were even couples who had experienced previous marriages.
As I surveyed the room, a wave of anxiety washed over me. Having been through a failed marriage, I couldn't help but wonder about the future. My partner, noticing my unease, placed his hand reassuringly on my leg.
The facilitator opened with a powerful statement: "The person next to you will challenge you like no other. You will love them and sometimes hate them, but you can either grow together or apart."
I exchanged a half-smile with my partner, hoping to convey some reassurance.
The facilitator then turned to the first topic: communication. He surveyed the couples and said, "When you text, use it for information, NOT for communication."
A few couples chuckled, and we were among them.
He elaborated, highlighting the distinction:
"I'll arrive at 7." (information)
vs.
"I really dislike how your mother critiques my parenting. It makes me feel inadequate." (communication)
"Crucial nuances often get lost when you try to communicate via text, so it's best to avoid it. Wait until you're face-to-face. Look each other in the eyes and express your feelings about the way their mother speaks to you. Don't do it through a text message."
"You," my partner remarked, squeezing my hand, "have a tendency to do that."
I felt a mix of embarrassment and acknowledgment; he was right.
Most people have likely made this mistake at least once (or, if you're like me, many times). Texting offers a convenient way to connect with loved ones when they're not physically present.
The facilitator's point rang true. Texting lacks the essential elements of expression. The other person can't see your facial expressions, body language, or the tone of your voice. Without these cues, misunderstandings can easily arise, leading to unnecessary conflicts.
Research from UCLA professor Albert Mehrabian indicates that 55% of communication is conveyed through body language, 38% through vocal tone, and only 7% through words. This small percentage underscores how often our words might not align with our non-verbal signals.
For instance, saying, "I’m fine with it," while your body language suggests otherwise (like crossed arms and a tense jaw) can create confusion. If you only text that sentiment, your partner might assume everything is okay, only to be surprised later.
Photo by the author
I frequently find myself using text for communication instead of strictly for information. The image above captures a real text exchange I had with my partner while we were both at work. Unfortunately, my attempt to communicate ended up complicating matters.
Many people, myself included, resort to texting because it feels easier. Our phones are always accessible while our partners are not, which can create an urge to resolve things immediately. With my partner and I often apart for twelve hours, it can feel like an eternity.
Additionally, I find in-person discussions uncomfortable and vulnerable, even with someone I love. As a writer, I lean towards writing because it allows for editing and refining thoughts before sharing, unlike verbal communication.
The workshop, however, made it clear that I need to actively work on this. There have been moments when one of us has suggested, "Let’s wait until later to discuss this. Remember? Information, not communication?"
Everyone deserves healthy, fulfilling relationships. If we can achieve this by simply refraining from discussing our emotions over text, it’s worth the effort. Doing so could foster the intimacy and understanding we both desire in our partnership.