Finding Purpose and Meaning After Narcissistic Relationships
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Understanding the Need for Purpose
In our exploration of core needs, we arrive at the essential requirement for purpose, meaning, and transcendence. Gabor Maté, in The Myth of Normal, articulates this as recognizing oneself as part of something greater than mere self-centered interests—whether that is a spiritual connection or a more universal humanistic perspective.
Narcissists often lack awareness of this fundamental need and do not actively pursue it. Their personality disorder drives them towards self-absorbed concerns, making it challenging for their victims to articulate their own desires for a broader sense of purpose. The only ambition that a narcissist encourages in others is to revolve around them—selfishly demanding that your life centers on their needs.
The Danger of a Narcissist's Focus
Any passion or purpose that you might possess becomes a threat to the narcissist. Ironically, your talents and successes may have initially drawn them to you. However, as their self-centered nature prevails, they tend to diminish your light, as your growth makes them feel smaller.
Many individuals transitioning out of narcissistic relationships seek to explore their own identities in coaching sessions. Now liberated from the burden of being a narcissist’s sole focus, they grapple with the question: What are they truly here for? What ignites their passion now that it’s clear their previous goal was merely to placate a disordered individual?
A pivotal aspect of healing involves defining, selecting, and pursuing personal passions and purposes. As the iconic Dolly Parton wisely noted, “Find out who you are, and do it on purpose.” Yet, how can one embark on this journey after being diminished in a toxic environment?
Exploring Personal Values
One effective starting point is to engage in self-reflection to uncover personal values, either independently or with the guidance of a professional coach. This video offers valuable insights into a coaching method for understanding values:
Consider these reflective questions to aid in your journaling or contemplation:
- What traits do I admire in others?
- What causes would I defend on behalf of someone else?
- When I feel irritation or anger, what value seems to be lacking?
- Which qualities have always held significance for me, even in childhood?
- What activities cause me to lose track of time in a positive way?
- When I embody _______________ quality, I feel most authentic.
Why Values Matter
As a professional coach, I have repeatedly observed that delving into personal values reveals profound insights about our true selves, beyond the roles and expectations imposed by toxic influences. While this exploration is not the complete answer to finding purpose, it serves as a critical foundation for self-discovery, essential for rebuilding one's sense of self.
It’s also common to recognize values that are not currently reflected in one’s life. For instance, you might value courage, yet find it underrepresented in your daily actions. The challenge lies in first identifying what matters to us and then taking small steps to integrate these values into our lives. Embracing our personal values leads to a more purposeful existence, fostering greater happiness, peace, and fulfillment.
If you’re in the healing process and need support, consider reaching out to Ann for one-on-one coaching.
Chapter 2: Finding Meaning and Purpose After Toxic Relationships
In the quest for meaning following the upheaval caused by narcissistic relationships, it is essential to explore what this journey looks like. This video delves into what finding meaning and purpose entails after a narcissistic relationship:
Ann Betz, co-founder of BEabove Leadership, is an expert at the intersection of neuroscience, coaching, trauma, and human transformation. She shares insights through her international speaking engagements and writing, focusing on relational trauma and personal growth.