Chapter 1: The Roots of Emotional Conflict

As children, many of us were taught that expressing our feelings was not safe. When we tried to voice our emotions, we often faced ridicule, disapproval, or indifference. In homes where compliance was valued, the best a child could do was to lower their head and concede to their parents.

It was common to hear that children, seen as too naive and dependent, were not allowed to have valid opinions or feelings. Instead, emotions were dismissed as inconvenient and even foolish. Many parents believed tantrums were irrational outbursts that should not be tolerated. Consequently, we learned to suppress our feelings and behave as if they didn’t exist. Expressing emotions often led to trouble, so we grew up believing that it was better to avoid feeling at all.

This background creates significant challenges in adulthood. When our partners express their feelings, we often perceive them as problems that need fixing. For instance, if your partner returns home upset about a work incident, rather than allowing them to vent, you might instinctively jump to solutions because their frustrations seem like issues that must be resolved.

This reaction stems from a deep-seated belief that feelings are adversarial. When your partner articulates their feelings about something you said or did, it’s easy to retreat or respond defensively. You might even accuse them of being unreasonable, saying things like, “You’re upset now, but remember when you forgot to pick me up from the station?”

To you, acknowledging discomfort seems unnecessary; you prefer to bury those feelings and hope your partner does the same. The fear of losing your partner intensifies when they are upset, and every serious discussion feels like a threat to your stability.

Section 1.1: Validating Feelings Instead of Dismissing Them

When you view your partner's emotions as adversarial, it becomes easy to minimize their significance. You may say things like, “Why are you upset over this? It’s nothing major.” Often, instead of providing the emotional support they need, you rush to propose solutions they never asked for.

Later, you might feel frustrated, believing you do everything possible to make them happy, yet they remain unsatisfied. This frustration can lead to blaming them for your own feelings of discontent.

Subsection 1.1.1: The Importance of Mutual Understanding

In reality, your partner is not trying to upset you by sharing their emotions. Their expressions of feeling should not be interpreted as threats to the relationship; rather, they can signify trust in you to share burdens that can be heavy to carry alone.

Chapter 2: Building Emotional Resilience

By understanding and validating both your feelings and those of your partner, you can foster a healthier, more supportive relationship. This journey toward emotional openness not only strengthens your connection but also enhances your emotional well-being.