Taming Strong Emotions: A Guide Inspired by Buddhism
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Chapter 1: Understanding Emotions
Emotions can be tricky. We often crave the positive ones while shunning the negative. Yet, we find ourselves repeating the same emotional patterns that lead to frustration and conflict.
Often, we blame others for how we feel. But this blame game only leads to disputes and hampers our happiness. The truth is, our emotional responses—be it anger, jealousy, or fear—stem from within us.
Are you ready to acknowledge and take responsibility for your feelings? If so, Buddhism presents a time-honored technique for emotional balance, rooted in the teachings of Shantideva, an 8th-century Indian philosopher and monk.
This method is universal and accessible to everyone, regardless of faith. It's a practice that I value and am currently embracing. Surprisingly, it involves the simple act of staying still, much like a log.
Section 1.1: The Power of Pausing
Buddhist teachers today still teach Shantideva's wisdom. Pema Chödron refers to this approach as "refraining," while Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche calls it "the mindful gap."
Let’s revisit Shantideva’s guidance for managing tough emotions:
“When the urge arises in the mind To feelings of desire or angry hate, Do not act! Be silent, do not speak. And like a log of wood be sure to stay.”
When your mind is chaotic with mockery or pride, when you seek to expose another’s faults, or when you wish to seek approval, it is at these moments that you should remain like a log.
Shantideva's advice emphasizes the importance of staying calm, especially when feelings of impatience, arrogance, or self-importance arise.
How to Interrupt an Emotional Response
I can’t count how many times I’ve added fuel to the fire when emotionally charged. It’s hard to remain quiet when I feel hurt or frustrated.
Can you relate?
Emotional management is a crucial skill, yet few of us learn how to do it effectively. The answer? Embrace the idea of remaining like a log.
Stop Feeding the Story
Shantideva's instructions are clear: refrain from speaking or acting. This isn't about suppression; it’s the opposite. When you create a narrative around a situation, you detach from the original emotion, which leads to repression.
We often get caught up in stories like, "That's unfair!" or "You always treat me poorly." These narratives often mask our emotional turmoil.
Taking a mindful gap allows you to process your feelings without externalizing them. It helps you pause, gain perspective, and break free from negative cycles. By remaining present with your emotions, you allow them to dissipate naturally.
Scientific research supports this. Neuroanatomist Jill Bolte Taylor states that an emotion typically lasts about 90 seconds from the moment it’s triggered until it fades away.
However, you must be brave enough to stop feeding the storyline and remain still, as Shantideva suggests.
Section 1.2: When to Take a Mindful Gap
Pema Chödron identifies three key moments during an emotional response when you can take a mindful gap:
- The Ember Stage: This is a subtle reaction to an emotional trigger, often overlooked by most. Mindfulness practices can make it easier to catch yourself here.
- The Storyline Stage: You may notice your emotional response after the storyline has begun but before it escalates.
- The Fire Stage: Many people only recognize their emotions once they’ve intensified. Although challenging, it is still possible to intervene at this point.
With practice, recognizing your emotional triggers becomes easier, allowing you to respond with compassion for yourself rather than self-judgment.
Three Techniques to Cultivate a Mindful Gap
What can you do during a mindful gap? The key is to truly feel your emotions, which can be uncomfortable but necessary for healing.
If you have a history of trauma or mental health issues, consult with a professional before trying these techniques.
Each time you resist the urge to react, you weaken the emotional pattern. Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche shares three helpful strategies:
- Body Awareness: Tune into how your emotions manifest physically. Observe without judgment.
- Heightened Sensory Perception: Listen to your surroundings and notice details in your environment to ground yourself.
- Deep Breathing: Take a deep breath, filling your lungs, and exhale slowly while relaxing.
These strategies can disrupt the rapid pace of emotional reactions.
Chapter 2: Embracing Self-Kindness
It may feel like emotions control you, but with practice, you can learn to manage them.
By emulating a log—remaining still when you feel an emotional surge—you can pause and allow your feelings to dissipate naturally.
As Shantideva advises, don’t speak or act. Simply feel and let your emotions dissolve.
Learning to counteract strong emotional patterns takes time and dedication. While you may stumble along the way, remember to practice self-compassion.
With persistence, you’ll find yourself able to remain calm and centered, just like a log.
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This short teaching by Thich Nhat Hanh provides practical insights on dealing with strong emotions, reminding us of the value of mindfulness in our emotional responses.
Gelong Thubten shares his wisdom on achieving happiness through mindfulness, offering a monk's perspective on emotional well-being.