Navigating Love: From Bitterness to Connection in Marriage
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Chapter 1: The Game of Relationships
Do you recall the 'Marry/Boff/Kill' game? You select three public figures or historical icons and decide who you'd prefer to spend your life with, who you'd like to "boff" (a rather humorous term for intimacy), and who you'd choose to eliminate. For instance, if you were to choose Napoleon, Queen Elizabeth, and Weird Al Yankovic, who would you choose? (Marrying Weird Al seems like a blast, right?) This playful game can spark interesting conversations during family gatherings.
Lately, as my husband and I have navigated yet another challenging year, I've reflected on how my feelings towards him can swing wildly. It seems normal among my peers to grapple with such emotions. (Is this a common experience? How can we truly know?) There are moments when he brings me comfort, and other times when he feels like a stranger. Sometimes, I crave his presence, while on other occasions, his touch feels overwhelming. The same stories that once felt warm can turn frustrating, leaving me questioning if anyone could be so oblivious.
As we approach nineteen years of marriage, I've found myself contemplating leaving at times, but there have also been moments when I've woken up early just to enjoy a few extra minutes of cuddling before starting my day. His parenting can be incredibly touching, yet there are instances when I want to express my frustration. This complex blend of emotions has led to many moments of bitterness.
Although there have been joyful experiences, countless disappointments have also marked our journey, leaving me feeling drained. I'm unsure if our long-lasting marriage is a sign of resilience or simply stubbornness. Will we remain together until death? Life in California has its dangers, but regardless of how it unfolds, I recognize that I need to shed this bitterness and either love him fully or let him go.
Where does this full-hearted love begin? With myself, of course. In my journey through therapy, I've realized the importance of understanding my own needs to become the healthiest version of myself. If he can support that, great. If not, that's okay too, as I'm tired of feeling unappreciated.
Our neighborhood has streets named after birds, including one called "Bittern," a type of heron known for its secretive nature. I relate to the Bittern—I’ve learned not to ask much from others and to suppress my own needs, believing it was a way to show love. My feelings of inadequacy often lead me to compete for validation, which then transforms into frustration towards him. I assume he's as critical of me as I am of myself, creating a cycle of misunderstanding.
Section 1.1: The Healing Process
Right now, we're focused on individual healing. Both of us are in therapy, addressing long-standing issues and establishing clearer boundaries. This new phase feels like an exciting, albeit challenging, shift.
Subsection 1.1.1: Understanding Independence
I've come to realize we weren't fully formed individuals when we first came together. Society often encourages couples to merge rather than maintain their individuality. I grew up believing that sacrificing my own needs was a demonstration of love, which ultimately led to resentment.
The bitterness I feel often stems from a sense of being undervalued or misunderstood. It’s unclear whether my feelings arose from his inability to love me properly or my reluctance to express my needs. I frequently felt overwhelmed by his expectations, feeling guilty for wanting to say no.
Section 1.2: Establishing Healthy Boundaries
We are both striving to cultivate a healthier, less codependent relationship. My goal is to communicate clearly about what it means to love me effectively and to ensure we both meet those expectations.
It's a messy process, requiring open dialogue about feelings I've previously suppressed. However, it feels safe, and I sense a deeper understanding between us that I haven't experienced before.
Chapter 2: Embracing the Future Together
In this video, The Try Guys engage in a humorous and revealing game of "F***, Marry, Kill," showcasing the complexities of relationships with a fun twist.
The trailer for "Marry F*** Kill" offers a glimpse into the dynamics of love and relationships, illustrating both the lighthearted and serious aspects of commitment.
While external pressures like finances and family responsibilities remain, as long as we prioritize self-care and genuine peace—rather than just silence—we stand a chance at enjoying each other's company for the long haul, without resorting to thoughts of harm.